This is a song I originally wrote many years ago for the show Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam, co-starring Prince Gomolvilas.

(Although not explicit, let's call this one "not safe for work.")

listen to "Ketchup and Mayo"

I used to perform this while Prince pulled out sandwich making supplies from a paper bag and proceeded to actually make a ketchup and mayo sandwich, with two squirt bottles of condiments and white bread, taking extra time to squirt the mayo out in clumpy, orgasmic spurts. Then he would start eating the sandwich, and at the end of the song, realize what the song was really about and grimace. Low humor, yes, yes, I know! But it worked. Killed the audience every time. Also, I took particular delight in forcing my gay co-host to visualize a distinctly straight form of sexual encounter, which grossed him out and inevitably made him squirm.

The recording is from a live performance at Genghis Cohen in Los Angeles, a Chinese restaurant (Genghis Khan was Mongolian, but close enough) with a folk music performance space (as in Leonard Cohen). Adam Sandler was there before we opened up the house. He had ordered food there but was presumable avoiding recognition in the not-yet-open performance room. The recording also features me playing a macaroni box on top of a djembe (I don't own a snare drum) and my acoustic bass guitar, through the magic of overdubbing.

The song is actually not so funny to me anymore, because it foreshadowed a harrowing time in my life. Let's just say that no form of birth control is 100% reliable. Get me drunk some night and maybe I'll tell you the whole story and ruin your evening. I recall a particularly ironic moment when I had just received a phone call about a pregnancy test, half an hour before Prince and I went on stage, and soon I was singing this song to a bunch of randy high school students from Berkeley, while my mind was racing.

The lyrics:

Ketchup and Mayo

There are things you can only do, in this age of disease
With someone you have dated for a while
Things that give you life long memories
For when you’re impotent, to look back on and smile
It takes waiting, blood tests to put your mind at ease
But when you know you’re safe, the light is green, what I mean, is
When a piece of bread, loves another, and the other one agrees
Not every sandwich that they make has to be so clean, oh

ketchup and mayo, ketchup and mayo
It’s that time of the month, why would you say no
Drop your raincoat, it’s okay, the weather’s turning out your way
ketchup and mayo...
Wouldn’t you like some?

Now boys and girls, I know you all are hungry
But I feel I must reiterate
Educate yourself about the dangers
Don’t just throw tomatoes on your plate
For there may be times when it seems like such a drag
To always keep your sandwich in a doggy bag
So lay out the tablecloth, and start to spread
You’re never more happy than when you're well fed with

ketchup and mayo, ketchup and mayo
It’s that time of the month, why would you say no
Drop your raincoat, it’s okay, the weather’s turning out your way
ketchup and mayo...
Wouldn’t you like some?

I’ve never been a fan of pink
But pleasure changes the way you think
A little snack, a little food
Can have a good impact upon your mood
I don’t diet, I must confess
If you’re offering I’ll say yes
To a sandwich in a sandwich press
I’ve never cared about the mess

ketchup and mayo, ketchup and mayo
It’s that time of the month, why would you say no
Drop your raincoat, it’s okay, the weather’s turning out your way
ketchup and mayo...
Wouldn’t you like some?

Oh, ketchup and mayo
(It's pink just like a flower!)
ketchup and mayo
(I’d better take a shower)
ketchup and mayo
(It’s salty more than sweet)
ketchup and mayo
(I think we stained the sheets)

Ketchup and Mayo
Wouldn’t you like some? Blum ba bum blum.

Thanks for reading.

Dec 1, 2010

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