Mixed Up Modern Family
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
My father built a house for my stepmother in the mountains
And he often sees his mistress on the sly
My mother is a lesbian and she comes for Christmas dinner
With her partner to my father's house for pie
My father travels 'round the world making friends with other girls
And my stepmom drinks alone and often cries
But she also seems to have a couple lovers on the side,
As she rants about my father's little lies
Now she was once the principal at an alternative high school
Where they put on plays about the Marquis De Sade
She tutored my gay uncle who was trying to find himself
This was long before he moved out to Cape Cod
After divorce my Dad was free to woo her in his fashion
And she capitulated even though
She was living with a physicist who raised rabbits for their meat
And didn't know my father was her other beau
But eventually she chose my pops, stopped calling it dating
They started procreating in the woods
My father made his fortune, my mother built a porch and
They shared me back and forth through childhood
My father gave me sex talks, he'd never gotten sex talks
He got my mother pregnant the first time
They chose to find a doctor on the wrong side of the tracks
It was easier than crossing the state line
But even more than sex talks, what influenced me most was
Seeing my uncle die of AIDS
So as my friends took chances in sexual circumstances
I learned to play guitar and get good grades
We're a mixed up modern family
A mixed up modern family
And true, maybe I know a little too much about the history
Of my mixed up modern family
My mother had of course by then grown tired of dating divorced men
And started batting for the other team
I met a girl who liked that fact, her mom too was a dyke in fact
And I woke up eight years later from that dream
Her father died of Huntington's my grandfather of Parkinson's
Their suffering was nature's reprimand
To a wife-beater and pedofile, appropriate diseases
For two men who never could control their hands
Now learning why my grandfather was fired as camp counselor
Explains why my step uncles are so off
And why I always seem to feel him there, breathing next to me
Whenever some old doctor does the hold and cough
I also know too much about my grandmother's vagina
Her first husband's penis was too thick
Because the doctors sewed her up too tight after she'd given birth
So when he died she went and found a thinner dick
Now my stepmom has recovered and she's writing 'bout her life
She sends me long accounts of her affairs
My father lives alone now but still calls her his wife
I guess they both have love enough to share
For they talked it out and stated that the passion had abated
In menopause when she became deranged
Now that it's all on the table their love's stronger and more able
To accept the fact that nothing's really changed
We're a mixed up modern family
A mixed up modern family
And true, maybe I know a little too much about the history of my
Mixed up modern family
But I love my mixed up modern family
Munching the Cooch
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
It's the sensual sensation that's sweeping the nation
That natural lubrication salivary salvation
Better than a strap-on just take out your tampon
Nosing underneath with the pubes in your teeth
Munching the cooch
It's a delicate lover with a sensitive soul
Who does daily exercises for his tongue control
You don't need to be too direct at first
Just try to find a slow rhythm til the bubble bursts
That smell that lingers oh oh oh!
It stays in my hair
I walk around smelling my fingers
everywhere
Munching the cooch
I’ll play the part of the young coat check
You play the part of the rich exec
I’ll work my way up the rungs of promotion by
Putting my tongue into motion
Munching the cooch
Cunnelingus…
(sounds like an Irish airline)
Muff diving...
(and the Russian judge gives it an 8.9)
Oral pleasure...
(just rinse and spit)
Eating out...
(makes it sound like you're paying for it)
Nose deep in the front bum...
(the other bum you'd regret)
Bobbing for apples...
(close your eyes and let your face get wet)
Flipping the girl switch...
(just turn her on and feel the swing!)
Stirring the honey pot...
(You know, you use one of those wooden beehive shaped things)
Spreading the meat curtains...
(
ooh what's back here? A storage closet?)
Lick me where I bleed…
(ooh. cough)
it's a meal in itself it goes well with any hooch
Myself, I could never quell my desire for munchin the cooch
Munching the Cooch
My Girlfriend Was Kidnapped by Aliens
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
My girlfriend was kidnapped by aliens man it was really weird
One day she was there man, and the next she’d disappeared
It gave me the blues
I kept looking at the sky confused
Trying to figure out a plan, searching for clues
And then one day I saw her on the news, so I
Jumped inside my little spaceship to win her freedom
The signs were all in alien I couldn’t read 'em
Eventually I found her but she'd been brainwashed, she’d been turned
Inspired by all of the alien things that she’d learned
And she wouldn’t return
The alien's home planet was unfriendly
Every day I got another parking fine
Back home it was better,
We just got naked all the time, hot tubbed and drank wine
My girlfriend didn't love me anymore, and to make matters even worse
She'd fallen in love with her abductor, like some galactic Patty Hearst
She was going to have its baby, and have a natural alien birth
I went a little crazy, started letting aliens probe me
I lost all sense of self worth
And I was also out of fuel, I was basically marooned now far from home
I found a job working for some aliens in a gigantic alien dome
I didn't like them, they were loud and they were boring
I kept missing my own kind
''Til one day I met an alien who probed my body and my mind
I feel at home in the land of the aliens now, it’s actually pretty cool
I’ve enrolled in alien classes at an alien school
I help them plan abductions and help persuade those who refuse
I help them with transmissions and do translations of Tom Cruise
Every night I sleep beside green slime and green suckers
Cuz I’m in love with an alien now too. Woo hoo!
Patti Likes Guys
(lyrics by Brandon Patton and Stephen O'Rourke)
Yeah she can be real tough, her strength is scary
And she swears she’ll never marry
And her armpits are always hairy
But Patti likes guys.
Yeah she dresses like a total lesbo
And there was that one girl from Fresno
But go and ask her, she always says no
Cuz patti likes guys
No, no, no... Patti’s not gay,
No, no, no she just looks that way
She acts all hard but really she's soft
She just thinks that it’s cool to act so pissed off
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, Patti likes guys.
She likes it rude, she likes it gritty
She refuses to dress up pretty,
But she once had a boyfriend from Jersey City
Patti likes guys
She doesn't faint at the sight of spiders
And she only reads feminist writers
But she likes to have a cock inside her
Patti likes guys
And when she likes someone she tends to scare him away
She's kind of mean and hostile - that's how she flirts
She'll hit you on the shoulder, she'll spit in your face
And then she'll invite you back to her place
No, no, no... Patti’s not gay,
No, no, no she just looks that way
She acts all hard but really she's soft as a kitten
And your sweet face has got her all smitten
Oh yeah... yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah... Patti likes guys.
Private Jet
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
Here’s a little ditty for my friends who are all pretty
And whose names all end in E sounds
Wish I could fly you on my jet into the sky
We could visit famous ski towns
Wouldn't it be nice to go to Thailand
Lie on our chests and have Thai men massage our backs
Pick up and go, whenever we got bored
Find the everlasting thrill that actual life lacks
Private Jet! I wish I had a private jet!
Cuz if I had a private jet
I'd give you rides, the sun would rise but never set
Private jet
If we didn't like the season we were in
We could just change hemispheres
And whenever we hit turbulence or had to fly through storms
We'd take valium for our fears
We could fly into forbidden airspace
Just to see all the fighter planes come near
Take off our shirts and press our nipples to the window
Watch the pilots laugh and give us the all clear
Private jet! I wish I had a private jet!
Cuz if I had a private jet
I'd give you rides, the sun would rise but never set
Private jet
Now it’s Christmas and Betsy wants to land
Either in Paris or in Rome
Rocky wants Prague, Stephanie wants Warsaw
Jenny just wants to go home
It's that special day for Christ and capitalism
Wrapped up in a shroud, drenched in holy jism
The sinners tears are seeping like an open sore
But they should quit their weeping. Christ was only hoping for
A private jet! I wish I had a private jet!
Cuz if I had a private jet
I'd give you rides, the sun would rise but never set
Private jet
The Queen and the Potter
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
Here’s where the story begins:
I was working when she tiptoed in
Suddenly she made a sigh
I turned around to see her looking longingly into my peasant eyes.
"You must have a wife," she laughed, "whose body benefits from your craft.
I’ve never seen such skillful hands. If only I were clay, you could hold me that way, and then I would be at your command."
I'm the luckiest man
The luckiest man to ever work clay
Even if I lose my head, I'm the luckiest man
King for a day!
And I'd do it again if I had the chance
"The king only cares for war
You are everything he’s not and more
I feel just like a bird with clipped wings."
Then she undressed me
Gently caressed me
And then in walked the king
Big in Japan
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
You don't know me… but I’m big in Japan, it’s true
I don’t get much attention here but way over there I do
Everywhere I go there teenage girls shout out my name
I’m Big in Japan
24 years old
I wear my hair long
Dressed in hippy retro on the Tokyo metro
Plans to see a shrine
I stand in the ramen line
Unshowered, fresh from hiking I tower like a Viking
Some girls start to point and laugh
And say are you Brad Pitt? Can we have your autograph?
I sign B scribble P
And I’m big in Japan, it’s true
I don’t get much attention here but way over there, I do
Everywhere I go there teenage girls shout out my name
They saw me in a movie or someone else who looks the same
I’m big in Japan
And someday I’ll return to Yoyogi Park
To pose as a celebrity in pictures I will never see
Who will I be this time?
I hope it’s someone hot but it’s not really up to me
I thought you had to toil for years to find fame
Turns out you just have to go somewhere where white people all look the same I'm Big in Japan
We’re easy to identify by our lack of an epicanthic fold
We are often seen in shorts,
We got thin lips, pale skin, and a long nose,
and we like to file for divorce.
You might see us struggling by ourselves to put suntan lotion on our own backs
Or standing still at a rock concert
Or walking round with fanny packs
And we’re big. We’re all big in Japan. It’s true.
We don’t stand out much here but way over there, we do
If “Legends of the Fall” was a major hit
And white guys with long hair are rare as Singapore spit
What do I care if girls think I’m Brad Pitt
I’m big in Japan.
That's All I Need
(lyrics by Brandon Patton and Stephen O'Rourke)
Johnny:
Some days it gets hard and i'm riding the blues bus
I
think about the government trying to screw us
and nuclear warlords
The world has gone crazy, and everything's wrong
But I see your face and think up a song, with really cool chords
I don't need a sunny day to make me feel less crappy
And I don't need a big pay raise
‘cuz i found a freak like me
I don't need a... something else that i don't need,
I really haven't finished this song yet
And I don't need a…
Kate:
Lucky break
Johnny:
Lucky break,
cuz i found a freak like me.
Kate:
The mornin' was cloudy and the sky was all dark
The neighbors started fightin' so i went to the park
The ambulance was there for a body from a bloody gang fight
I saw a dead pigeon being eaten by ants
I slipped and tore a hole in my favorite pants
But i was smiling all day long with the memory of last night
Kate and Johnny:
Last night, overnight number three
Last night, it was plain to see,
That that wouldn't be our last night
That that wouldn't be our last night
There's
not gonna be any last night
any time soon
Johnny:
Some days it's a struggle, I wanna head for the hills
Kate:
Some days I feel down and I wanna stay undercover
Johnny:
I ain't got no bread so I can't pay the bills
Kate:
But then I remember that tonight I get to see my lover
Kate and Johnny:
I don't need beaches and I don't need birthday cake
All I need's a lover who will hold me until I wake
And that's all I need to feel alright
That's all I need to feel alright
That's all I need... to feel alright
Would You Take a Bullet For Me?
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
Would you help me move on Sunday?
Would you help me carry my couch from the furniture store?
Would you pick me up from the airport?
Would you take care of my cat while I’m away?
Even if last time you had an allergic reaction and he gave you fleas?
Would you let me drive your car?
Would you let me bring an entire van full of musicians to your house to crash for the night?
Would you keep writing me long emails even if I only wrote short ones back?
Would you give me your urine to bring to a drug test?
Would you come with me to one of my cult meetings about personal empowerment?
Would you let me stay on your couch for a month?
Would you stick up for me if I said something racist?
Would you fight with me if I provoked an entire baseball team to attack us with bats?
Would you lie to the cops for me?
Would we still stay friends if I got brain damaged in an accident?
Would you trust me to remember to pick you up from the airport?
Would you forgive me if I forgot and you had to take the subway with your wife who had contracted a tropical disease on her feet and could barely walk?
Would you help me edit my Amazing Race application video for free even though you get paid good money to edit America’s Top Model?
Would you expect me to pay for the keyboard I ruined when I tripped and spilled hot chicken soup all over the keys?
Would you get angry if I suggested that it was your fault that the keyboard was in the middle of the fucking hallway?
Would you pretend to be asleep on the couch if I started making out with our mutual friend after a late night movie in your living room?
Would you stop talking to me if I killed your level 55 Wizard?
But what I really want to know is...
The true test of friendship...
The end all be all...
Would you mind if I dated your mom?
Ketchup and Mayo
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
There are things you can only do in this age of disease
With someone you have dated for a while
Things that give you life long memories
For when you’re impotent, to look back on and smile
It takes waiting, blood tests to put your mind at ease
But when you know you’re safe, the light is green, what I mean, is
When a piece of bread, loves another, and the other one agrees
Not every sandwich that they make has to be so clean, oh
Ketchup and mayo, ketchup and mayo
It’s that time of the month, why would you say no
Drop your raincoat, it’s okay, the weather’s turning out your way for
Ketchup and mayo... wouldn’t you like some?
Now boys and girls, I know you all are hungry
But I feel I must reiterate
Educate yourself about the dangers
Don’t just throw tomatoes on your plate
For there may be times when it feels like such a drag
To always keep your sandwich in a doggy bag
So lay out the tablecloth, and start to spread
You’re never more happy than when you're well fed with
Ketchup and mayo, ketchup and mayo
It’s that time of the month, why would you say no
Drop your raincoat, it’s okay, the weather’s turning out your way for
Ketchup and mayo... wouldn’t you like some?
I’ve never been a fan of pink
But pleasure changes the way you think
A little snack, a little food
Can have a good impact upon your mood
I don’t diet, I must confess
If you’re offering well I’ll say yes
To a sandwich in a sandwich press
I’ve never cared about the mess, oh
Ketchup and mayo, ketchup and mayo
It’s that time of the month, why would you say no
Drop your raincoat, it’s okay, the weather’s turning out your way for
Ketchup and mayo... wouldn’t you like some?
Oh, ketchup and mayo it's pink just like a flower
Ketchup and mayo, I better take a shower
Ketchup and mayo, it's
salty more than sweet
Ketchup and mayo,
I think we stained the sheets, oh
Ketchup and mayo... wouldn't you like some?
Blum blum blum blum
Kate, That's Great
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
Kate, that's great I hear you're turning twenty-eight
Do you still remember what your life felt like
When you were just a little tyke
Kate I know you're gonna let your feelings show
When the people who love you all gather round to say hello
One, two, three, oh my, oh me,
I think pretty soon you'll have a law degree
Four, five, six, if the corporate tools call you do-gooder
Well you know they're fools
Seven, eight, nine, if you were willing to wait
I could count all the way up to twenty-eight,
Cuz there's just so much to praise about you
Kate, you rock, wish you were living on my block
Do you still remember that I'm always there
If you've got a little time to spare
Kate, that's you, now listen up because it's true
You're sweeter than sweet and brighter than bright
Your smile casts light in the darkest night
And there's nothing I would rather do
Than turn... twenty-eight... with you
Indier Than Thou
(A parody of "Indier Than Thou" by MC Frontalot)
I’m so indie that my shirt don’t fit
I hear you wonder why I come so ill-equipped
'Cuz being all prepared to get on the mic is selling out
And I'm not about to relinquish indie clout
I look confused, like I just got out of bed
No need for combs, there's no hair left on my head
My irony deflecting any incoming attacks
I'm unpromoted, yet you've downloaded all my tracks
I'm so indie, indie, indie, indie I be
Ain’t an obscurer rapper out there indier than me
I'm so indie, indie, indie, indie and how
Come not near to me, for I be indier than thou
Delving deep into my letterbox one day I found
Fanmail addressed to me, in shock I dropped it on the ground
It made me nervous, I'd never had such luck
Opened it up, “It said, you suck!”
Well what a relief!
For I feared that I was earning love, as fans began to swoon
My indie points would all burn up, and then pretty soon
I'd be paying rent on time, and owning things
Meeting pop stars in stretched cars
Doing the Wendy's tie-in with Jar Jar
Suing Napster with my best friend Sting.
It was like a nightmare! ‘Cuz that ain’t nerdcore
And if you’re slow on the uptake, let me lay it out:
Hipsterism's a religion t'which you got to be devout
You must be seen as in between unpopular and hated
Or else get excommunicated
I'm so indie, indie, indie, indie I be
Ain’t an obscurer rapper out there indier than me
I'm so indie, indie, indie, indie and how
Come not near to me, for I be indier than thou
How I Allegedly Bit a Man in Gloucestershire
(lyrics by Brandon Patton)
One summer I made plans to fly to England, see some bands
And hang out with musicians that I knew
I was warned that it would rain a lot
And everything would cost a lot
And everyone would have atrocious teeth
All three were true
I went with my friend Joe to buy provisions for the show
The exchange rate there made me feel so poor
But I needed drink, that much was clear,
and the concert would have marked-up beer
and then I saw some box wine at the store
Now this is a cautionary tale, so whenever you hear the words BOX WINE,
I need you all to shout "BOX WINE!!! ARE YOU DAFT?"
Let's practice.
So I thought to myself, brilliant! I'll plan ahead - I'll buy my own liquor,
Some BOX WINE!
"BOX WINE!!! ARE YOU DAFT?"
Now listen, I was on a very tight budget. And the thing about BOX WINE is
"BOX WINE!!! ARE YOU DAFT?"
It Is effective but it's also very economical.
I smuggled my cheap liquor through the gates and then made my big mistake:
I got separated from my friends
So I wandered round without my mates, my destiny left to the fates,
A stranger at a festival in England
With only one thing to comfort my jet lagged, addled mind...BOX WINE.
"BOX WINE!!! ARE YOU DAFT?"
Perhaps.
I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MY…
I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF. OH...
Uninspired by metal rage I went to the acoustic stage
And there was Danny Wilson singing in the tent
And he sang "I still believe in you do you still believe in me too"
And I felt I knew exactly what he meant
I thought about a girl that I had loved back in my twenties
Who let me know that she was losing faith in me
By having an affair quite publicly at parties
I wasn't there but friends who were alerted me
That was a time I could relate to heavy metal rage...
I couldn't sleep, I paced in my apartment
With visions in my head of killing both of them in bed
I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MY…
I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF. OH...
I wanted to obliterate the past, obliterate all thought
I couldn’t bear the memory so obliterated is exactly what I got
As I drank every last drop of my beloved BOX WINE
"BOX WINE!!! ARE YOU DAFT?"
Perhaps.
For allegedly I befriended very nasty people
Made them my new best friends, tried to make them laugh
Allegedly I was shouting, then fell on my face,
And grabbed some homophobic tough guy's leg and I bit him on the calf
Allegedly he punched me
Allegedly a knife
Then Joe was there, and he gripped me, and probably saved my life
His artist and musician friends came and formed a shield
I stumbled to one side, and ran across the field
So if you’ve ever been an ass, embarrassed all your friends,
Or put their lives in danger
If you've ever been a jerk, especially if you've ever drunk BOX WINE
"BOX WINE!!! ARE YOU DAFT?"
And even more especially if you’ve ever bitten a total stranger
you must join me on the chorus of this song and be the choir
this song is an apology of sorts
and it goes like this
I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MY…
I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF, I WAS NOT MYSELF. OH...
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